Saturday, January 11, 2003
You cannot live for the moment and live life at the same time.Life is not living for the moment, the rush, the thought that maybe nothing will be here tomorrow; Life is trusting there will be another day after this one and savouring every moment.
People often say to live life because you may die tomorrow. There are hundreds of quotations all along those lines. The problem is, no one seems to take the right meaning to heart. Those who live by that creed nowadays seem to tempt fate as often as possible, willing the words into truth. Think about it- if you were going to die tomorrow would you do something that may kill you sooner? Not that chances should not be taken or that anything exhilerating is some sort of horrible deathtrap, but too many people try to feel life instead of experiencing it.
Would you want to live the last day of your life in an empty rush just because there might not be the chance tomorrow? Choose experiences you would want, even if you were given a thousand years to get around to them. Don't procrastinate but get around to everything in due course. Ever heard of Quality, not Quantity?
You see "Fast and Cheap" is never as good as something that is given the time to be done well. Unless, of course, you like that sort of thing.
Friday, January 10, 2003
gracious... The BFC has some rathre bad luck with cars, ne? Oh well.I finally did my french presentation. I had about three extra days... no maybe two... but the point is I wrote it in the few mins before it was due a few days ago and almost died of relief when we ran out of time. Naturally I didn't go home and study. I didn't study when I ran out of time the next day eithre. I came back the third day frantically reading and re-reading my hastily written gibberish before I went up hoping against hope to remember as much as possible and not sit muttering "Je....pense, que- um hold on..." but there really is a point to my story I promise.
I went up there, stuttered, mumbled, and said "Uh..." a few times really loudly scaring even myself a little; but I actually was able to follow a train of thought in my head and remember what I was saying at the same time. Now I can honestly say I multi-task. The only real thing preventing me from talking a bit more was my utter disgrace of an accent. At home, in private, it's pretty ok. I even sound really cool when I sing (if I do [and I do]say so myself). Unfortunately self conciousness is not my friend out-of-doors. Somehow being in front of people who are better than I creates a polar field for me. I don't like to look like I'm trying so I look like I don't care. I usually try to maintain a balance of looking as if I don't care while trying to appear as if I can do it almost adequately anyway without having to care. Did I digress? I think not. I just got a bit self centred. Whooooo cares?
What really matters, and what I'm really telling the story for, is to let everyone know that Mlle Pulido said I did better and I felt pretty cool.
...maybe I can avoid a 13-step program...Tho I'll still offer 12
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Does your best friend know that they are our best friend? Not just the people you hang with no matterhow much you love them, and not just the buddies you've had since forever, but the person or persons that you tell things to that matter. Do they know? Do you think that they might suspect? Does that thought make you nervous?I have many best friends. I used to almost have a best, best friend. And now I think I could deal with one. If I knew who they were. Sometimes you just "click" with people and it intrigues you. Sometimes you find three, count them, three people that interest you totally and are so similar to you but you have never really even spoken to them before. Unfortunately these people are close enough to see, but if you tried to touch they'd be all like, "Hey? Whats the matter with you?" and so you decide to edge in slowly although they are all of varying degrees of unfathomable unreachableness.
Sometimes you are suddenly cut off from a slowly withering close friendship and you don't realize how much you needed the little talks you had with that person. That person had faults and you may have become just as close as you once were with some one else, but "someone else" is never the same. Some times, in some ways, someone else is much better. But then you come across little things, or a few big things that have meaning for you. A meaning you shared with an old friend and a meaning you know would never click with your new buddy.
And sometimes you watch a person with new eyes that you never really noticed before. They might have only been around a year or so, they might have been around since junior high, but somehow you never thought about them until now. Sometimes you didn't like them before. They seemed somehow snooty or they seemed to dislike you for a reason you couldn't imagine. But for whatever reaon you decide that there's something in them that you like. The only reason you might be inclined to take a second glance is because they are a good friend of a friend you would like to remain friends with and you decide to be on friendly terms with their friends. Maybe they say something to you in passing confidence that makes you grin and sympathize with them. Either way, you decide there's more to this person than you once thought.
The worst part is when Your friends are not friends with your friends. When you still see something that you like in someone, and manage to separate it from anything they may have done wrong. When you have a friend with a vice you hate and you have to just try and stay away from eachother in that aspect because you love everything else about them even though the rest of your group has cut them off. It's the most horrible situation when your friends aren't eachother's friends. Except perhaps, for the wondering.
Does your best friend know they are? Are you your best friend's best friend or do they in turn have a best-best of their own? Is the circle of best best friends an endless loop of one best to thier best to their best only ending with the pillows that hear everything regardless?
Monday, January 06, 2003
I am tired of telling everyone everything. Actually, right now I am also incredibly tired. Not only was I unable to write for days, but I couldn’t sleep last night either. But about my other fatigue.I never used to tell anyone anything really. A few people were passed information occasionally but I never really said anything about people or such unless I didn’t care if it got out and sometimes that was even the desired effect. Lately I’ve been saying things that would be less than good if they were repeated. I trust some confidantes almost entirely for reasons of my own, and others I have to watch more carefully than that. They know who they are and I think it’s fine that way.
But lately I feel like I’ve been letting a bit too much into the mainstream. I can’t remember everything I say and it bothers me that I no longer have control of memory over my words. It has come to my attention that a few things have been repeated. Nothing of importance has been repeated that I know of. But I know that things have entered the public domain and reached other ears. The words right now do not matter because as far as I recall they were nothing of consequence but it is the thought of the possibility of new doors being opened when I never intended to lend out the keys that makes me second guess my policies. I think I need to reevaluate how I speak of others and to others. Without a balance I would be thrown even farther from the “loop” and it’s not a comfortable spot.
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Gracious. We just put up a big antenna for a HAM radio UHF contest or something. oooh... It's huge and the steel rods are bending because of the height and weight. I hope it doesn't fall. That wouldn't be good. In fact, it could even be bad. It's really hot outside. Blech, southern california.... Blech. Well I'm off to tie guidewires! Namaarie!Pride and Prejudice is a wonderful awesome book. Awesome... I hate using that word in reference to books. Seems kinda ironic. But yeah. I'm Elizabeth Benett. I mean, she is me. We're quite similar you know.
I'm on a bit of a high because I saw "Attic Expeditions" with Seth Green and a bunch of other people who dont matter because it's Seth Green. It was an "Intellectual Thriller". "Intellectual" meaning it had a rather twisty plot and doesn't entirely make sense except it does, and "Thriller" meaning there is a lot of weird violent sex and tons of crimson paint splashed around.
I loved it anyway. The plot curved in just the right ways, Seth Green was in it... well not nearly enough but he was still in it a lot, and it had dark humor. It was very passable. Just being an indie film gets many points in my book.
Life... is frustrating.
