Friday, September 27, 2002
Some people I have an strange facination with:.....................**Napoleon Bonaparte**
.....................Robert Frost
.....................Ernest Hemingway
.....................William Shakespere
.....................**Seth Green**
.....................Henry De Tolouse Lautrec
.....................Geoffery Chaucer
.....................Antonio Salieri
.....................Micheal J Fox
.....................??
.....................??
And wouldn't you like to know?
Anyway. I thought I'd share. I'm so bored. I really hate Mozart. The Movie "Amadeus" didn't help things either. I've been very interested in Napoleon for a long time. It's unhealthy really. I wonder why I empathize with him so much...? Maybe I'll call Seth Green Napoleon and change my name to Josephine.
Ok. Once again I'm online, and alone with the occasional tumbleweed. I think I'm getting back into the habit of writing and stuff. I have also recently discovered that I can kindof type without looking at the keyboard. Sure, maybe a lot of you other high falutin' kids learned how to type properly years ago, but I got angry w/ mavis beacon and refused to use the typing program because I couldn't stand her. I still need to work on it though. Quite a bit in fact.
I finally got my check from my one day of employment. I think I actually may have intimidated Nubar a bit. Or at least confused him. It was fun. I deserved a bit of amusement after how long it took for me to get that gosh darned check. I was surprised that my dad didn't seem to care that I quit. He was just happy I finally got the money. I expected him to have kittens over the fact that I never returned after only a day, and yet he never even asked for a reason. I love that phrase "have kittens". It's so much more appealing than "Have a Cow".
Um... What else happened... Not much that I can say. A few things I cannot say. And much I do not know.
Ahh... I feel like there was something else I wanted to write and now I can't remember it. That's so irritating. Does anyone have anything against sailor uniforms in a school? I hope they aren't too objectionable.
Oh, about the whole "back into the habit" about writting... I think it's going to be another couple of months before I'll really be able to write well and freely. Summer will do that to you. I've decided to try and improve my posture too. I slouch so much and then I notice it even more while I'm at the computer. Oh well, if I end up all old and slouchy I can call myself a boboushka, squint one eye, and tell fortunes on the backstreets of Germany. I shall give up and leave you withsome famous last words:
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Once again, I am so incredibly bored I could pluck a chicken! Ok, iono where exactly that came from, but yeah. No one is ever online anymore and I just sit here hoping someone will sign in so I can be amused while I procrastinate.In fact I was so bored I started looking at the very first posts people had on their "blogs". I was in a quote-ish mood b/c I had complained of my dire straights to KBB and she told me to go look up quotes for her classe walls. Unfortunately that was about as much help to me as a panda in London since I have files upon files of quotes I liked already. I was, however, eventually reminded of one on my favorite quotes as well as one that seems amusingly pertinant right now. Here is my Favorite:
"As if one could kill time without injuring eternity." - Thoreau, Walden
and the relevant one is:
“There isn’t any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is an old man. The boy is a boy and the fish is a fish. The shark are all sharks no better and no worse. All the symbolism that people say is shit. What goes beyond is what you see beyond when you know.”
Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961), U.S. author. Letter, 13 Sept. 1952, to the critic Bernard Berenson (published in Selected Letters, ed. by Carlos Baker, 1981), of The Old Man and the Sea, published that year.
I love Hemingway. He has such bluntly descriptive writing. His stories rarely have a real plot, although they have meaning. I love the feeling you get after you finish something of his when you think "wow, that had absolutely no point." and yet you don't care because whatever it was it was really really good. Thoreau had such wonderful insights. I wonder if Morrie studied him? Haha. Morrie is/was so cool. and I shall leave you now:
"What's wrong with silence?" <--- Heehee... I've found that to be true......
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
I was such a cool kid. When I made friends w/ Rachel, we discovered our kindred souls were pretty weird. I'm feeling so nostalgic right now. I want to go back to the long grass and the tree at Valley View. Rachel and I developed a whole story about this culture we invented. It was run by a king and some priests. The princesses name was Ambrosia. or Amaryllis. Yeah. That one, I think. They would sacrifice people the priests chose into the canyon annually and when there was some need. There were some criteria to how they were chosen I think but I don't remember it. It was pretty gruesome really. We made people out of the grass and put them on leaves and slid them into the drainage ditch. Once it was a Father and baby daughter. We used to play 3 musketeers too. Her mom got mak b/c we kept breaking off their palm fronds for swords tho and we had to stop. Our favorite was born after reading ahead in our history[social studies] book. We played "Bear Flag Revolt". We made adobe bricks and Chumash acorn meal (w/ hand ground acorns and heated rocks and everything!) before that and it evolved into that. We loved it so much. Gracious. We were so odd. And cool.Um. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not Lonely. I love all you guys. I'm fine with my system. I;m not being stand-offish. And I hope I didn't come off as shrewish. And as long as that is, you have not yet seen me analyze! I was just feeling too frustrated w/ myself right now. I'm a gemini, and yes I belive in that to a point b/c of the extent to which I found it to be true for me, and I'm a bit too prone to self-analysis. I dwell in my own inner workings and motives much too much. I analyze people a lot too, but I prefer to jusst know everything around me and see and it sorts itself out. If I analze or predict too much, it's like I'm looking at episode spoilers. What a shallow way to look at people's lives, ne?
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
I don't want to go to college. Actually, strike that. I don't want to deal with college. I want to go, but I don't want to think about applying or money or living quarters or anything of a vaguely independant nature. Everything in my life has "Just happened" so far. I looked at my transcript and I realize that I've never really tried at anything. Ever. I just find all the possible shortcuts and do what I need to pass. Not even that sometimes. Look at my math grades in general, and sophmore year in particular. As soon as I know the teacher's habits I work around them. I did ONE assignment in freshman year english b/c I knew I could since Jenkins gave all girls A's and he loved the one assignment I turned in and was raving about it(it was a horrible story I'd written the night b4 that was supposed to parallel "The Birds") and he even showed it to Dover so I was pretty confident. And guess what? I got an "A" ! That certianly didn't help my ambition in school. Ugh. I have wanted to do the same basic thing (write [in general],teach, and study anthro and theo stuff) since the 4th or 5th grade but I just can't decide how to get there. I want to do too much. I want a Law degree, I want a Teaching credential, I want Red Cross certification, I want to be a professor ( a lot! ), I want to learn Greek and Latin and finish learning French, I want to own and operate a dual school (Half for Gifted and half for troubled kids), I want to be a published author, I want to speak in a political forum. It doesn't stop there. I want much more than that. omgracious... I wish I was a better student. I have no personal Statement! I have absolutely nothing to write about! Don't tell me what an interesting and original person I am. I know, frankly, I am pretty eccentric (and encourage the idea) but how am I supposed to get that across. I've never had any epiphanies, I've never been in the minority really(no one really cares where white people are from or how many irish there are in comparison to English or anything. We're all white and therefore a general majority), I've never been disadvantaged (xcept in math!), I've never even had any real problems w/ my family. I've always been my mom's friend and my dad's buddy. Ever since I can remember my parents have treated me like an equal. I never had a parent/child relationship. And I'm not terribly close to them. We're just good friends. I don't think I was ever a child and at the same time I never stopped being one. If Rachel was still around I'd still be playing tea party with my dolls (once in the form of an opera/musical!). I've always just been me. I never really put much faith into other people, I never really connected with people in general. I don't tell people things. If I ever had a "crush"(I detest the word) I really was serious about, I wouldn't tell anyone. I had a couple that were just passing charactor studies that they knew about as "Crushes" but they don't know about any of the people I really liked. I don't get close enough to get mad at people but they usually end up telling me things. I just file away secrets and formulate little profiles in my mind, but I don't tell anyone since I like staying a spectator so I've never had any big "falling-outs" with friends. I've never had any of the life rending things that are useful in college essays. I think I'm having my first senior realization/crisis. Maybe I could write about this. Right now my throat is burning and my face is flushed and my hands are shaking and I have tears in my eyes and I'm just teetering on the brink of just breaking down and weeping but I won't b/c my family is here and I don't want to succumb to self -pity right now. It's my own fault. It's not even self-pity as much as it's frustration and being angry that I never did anything.
I couldn't take it. I sat in my parents closet and I cried. You want to know the only tragic thing that happened to me? My dog died. She died a few days after we got home from vacation. That's what gets me. I've never been to a wedding. Ever. I've been to lots of funerals. I wonder if that had any adverse effect on me. I don't cry about things. I cry when I'm frustrated, but I don't ever remembering actually crying because I was sad. I didn't cry when my grandmother died. I didn't cry when my favorite teacher died and I went to her funeral, I didn't cry when I went to the wake of one of the only cousins I ever knew. I cried when my dog died. It was just overwhelming. No one saw me, but I did. I'm just sitting here, ranting. I want to delete this b/c as relieving as it is, it's pretty humiliating to me. I don't do this. Just ignore this post. I'll post it b/c I promised myself I'd never delete a post. I do that a lot. I'll challenge myself like that a lot. It's weird. But it's one of the only things I actually hold to. I like standing seprate and watching life go on around me. You know that quote about how we're all just actors on the stage of life? I'm in the audience. or I try to be. Heck, until fourth grade I didn't even like people. I was the kid who scorned my peers and sat and read all through recess. Litterally, I sat there with 4-6 books and read every day. I had an aquaintance who was two years older than me and I occasionally listened to all these home problems he had and I used to wonder at the intricacies of his problems- half of which he seemed to have brought on himself. I used to play four square with Lisa and Justin at Royal Oaks in GATE and they annoyed me b/c they were so quiet and studious while I thought most of our projects were inane and hated Ms. Coloff (the teacher). I know they (at least Lisa) hated me so I'm fine w/ saying this, so there!
This is really getting long, but I haven't said everything. I probably won't tho. For someone who never really says anything about herself, I really went all out here. Don't think I'm suddenly going to be all open and stuff. I just needed to do this. Remember my posts on 16 sept? Well this is just a little of the iceberg that is my mind. Wow, I'm sounding arrogant again. I guess I'm feeling a little better now. I love being the [mostly] unbiased and detached devil's advocate / guru / actress. I like the way Justin labeled one of my more commone moods: "Let's play a joke on the world". That's really me. I love to pretend to be something, whether I really am or not. Why else would I love accents and different mannerisms so much. I play at life. I have fun with people. I am so lost. Who really wants to go to college? Who needs Friends? Who needs Life? omg... I still have no college essay...
Monday, September 23, 2002
I'm in such a good mood today. I just had a big long post describing my day, but I accidentally clicked the "Back" button. omgracious. I'm frustrated now b/c I wrote a really really long post and it was describing how the day was. Trust me it was cool. I even woke up in a spontaneously good mood. This mood had no orgin. It was just there when I woke up, waiting for me. The world had an amber/gold aura today. It was beautiful. It contrasted so well with the earthy tones of the trees and the delicate new green of the grass. It just made me even happier because it seemed like a real autumn, or at least an indian summer. It had special meaning b/c yesterday was the Autumn equinox/Harvest moon/ St. Lucia's Day. I felt relieved to finally get my francais 3 book today at break too. Third period was quieter than usual, but I still loved it. I love that class so much. I even love it when we're just trying to explain "MO" to Flores and he's thinking in circles or when there's no sound except the squeeking and shifting from Pulido's room as we read. Yearbook was fun b/c we finally turned on the computers although I had no seat. French was easier than usual, and that was relieving. I finally wrote a sentance that only had one error. I was very unsure of it too, so that was a nice reassurance. I also got a cadeau. It was a bit of a shock, b/c I'd seen it all day and figured it was another interesting prop. It was really nicely wrapped too. Pulido was nosey, and asked about it. It was funny b/c I didn't know what she was saying at first. I thought she wanted me to put it away. A few people saw it and nearly pounced on me. Eventually I was forced to open it (I really liked the wrapping job so I didn't want to destroy it! Such things are never the same when you do them over again.) at Lisa's house. It's the coolest[for lack of a better word] book! It includes my three favorite things in a book: Age (the pages are wonderful), an interesting and original topic, and Hemp twine(no really! haha, maybe not). That probably made my [already good] day even better. It's sitting on my desk, re-wrapped. It's not quite the same parcel it was before it was unbound though. oh well. Someone really wants an "A", don't they? Planning for the Renissance Rally w/ Cassie and Lisa and JJ and RJ and Puja was fun. It always is. Tho I heard there was some drama afterwards. So now I'm back at home, with a funny little smile on my face, and an urge to go outside and watch the smoke as it takes over the sky and the ash falls like the invisible shadows of snow. ah. I have nothing more to say. I feel like there should be snow outside b/c I want to cuddle up with the book I'm reading and examine my cadeau. hmmm.... :D Ciao ciao.Sunday, September 22, 2002
I love KCET. They have the coolest shows... ok, I'll shut up now. haha. Shame on all you MTV lemmings.KILL ME NOW. No, seriously. I'm serious. Litterally! Like, guys, I'm literally being serious. No really. I'm totally mean it.
Make it stop. I hate them. What kind of sick, depraved, and utterly sadistic people would do this?! Ok fine, maybe I have a certian respect for depraved and sadistic people, but my neighbors should be beaten with wooden spoons until they are full of splinters and their flesh is enveloped in one massive bruise, then I will proceed to poke a rusty nail at various points of their being until I pierce them and they are drained into a little raisin of their former selves.
What re they doing? They are kareoke-ing. They are having a party, when I am tired, and I know I should be thinking about my personal statement for college, using really old disco songs, half drunk, al the way stupid, and so loud I can hear it clearly from down the street, on a sunday night no less. I'm not in the mood to have to deal with them. It's a live band they're using for the music, and the band is pretty good. Goodness.
