Wednesday, September 18, 2002
I’m bored. No one’s online. I need someone to talk to so I will be entertained. Maybe I’ll sit here and wish really hard that someone will sign in because I’m doing econ and I hate econ because I hate bookwork because I hate just sitting there and reciting passages from the book and it’s just so dull except when Mr Flores is off on a tangent telling us some long-winded story and even then I hate econ and just want to bang my head on my desk and sleep thru the period!Tuesday, September 17, 2002
I keep thinking of things to post but I don't want to leave a whole bunch of one liners. We'll see how long this turns out. I was reading a bunch(okay, maybe five or six) other Blogs and was reminded of college. Then I was reminded of Applications. Then I was reminded of the big production our english class had about not getting into college, then getting rejected from PCC and having to go to UC Home school. It was pretty funny. "1510 SAT? WHO CARES?! You and everyone else!!!" hahaha. But thinking about my future troubles me. Actually the fact that it doesn't really trouble me very much is what troubles me. I've always kinda gone wherever life took me. I never really do things unless they interest me or I'm forced to. If I'm forced I don't usually do well (ie: MATH) unless there's something to entertain me and even then I end up rather mediocre because I take so much time entertaining myself (ie: Cobos, Bowdoin & Leech). And no one's forcing me to do any college stuff. I'm being encouraged, sure, but I've only gotten where I am now thru the winds of fate and not really because of any huge effort by me so I think I'll probably be one of those people writing a hurried essay the night before the application deadline. There's too much for me to consider, and I would rather consider and see myself as I go thru each option than actually make the decisive move. Oh well, I hope I actually make my move and don't end up getting a rejection from PCC. I'd like to see one tho. I mean how many people could really get rejected from PCC? I might apply late just so I could get one. I'd frame it and hang it in my Dorm room or something..........Still reading Blogs.... MYSTERY ORGANIZATON? Heehee... okae, Fine. M.O... haha. It's "MO".
I'm a little TOO Cathartic, aren't I? I mean, enough already!
Want to know something strange? Of course you do! That's why you're here isn't it?! Come for your daily dose of the off-the-wall antics of the greatly confoundable me!? Anyway, I've been singing all day. I usually sing a lot, especially at home, but today I've had a song on my lips even when I don't realize it. I've been prancing around and acting dramatic, but I'm kinda out of it today. Check my imood. It's sorta self explanitory. But I really do enjoy a good loud opretta every now and then. Haha. I just have to close my windows so the neighbors don't hear me... It's another little cathartic thing to do. I'm pretty good at making up words as I go along. And, haha, I actually memorized this part of a Charlotte Church thing I heard on the TV. Wow. I'm so funny. oh well, this is my life...
Sunday, September 15, 2002
You know, I wrote something for September 11. I didn't ignore it totally. Unfortunately it turned out to be totally innapropriate for me to post. The writing wasn't bad. The feelings were. It was rather harsh and I don't think it would be very good of me to put out something of its nature when there are some who still feel that day so acutely in their hearts and minds. But I did not forget. I just wanted you guys to know.I want something so badly but I know it would turn out badly for me so I want someone else to have it that I think it would be very beneficial to and work perfectly or at least very well and I really want that chosen person to have it since I know I shouldn't but I can't do anything about it because then people would know I wanted it in the first place and I would feel like the "poor little selfless girl" and I hate watching things go on without change in any real direction! Thank you. I'll be here all night. No, really. I'm serious. No, guys- I'm totally serious. Like literally, I have a bunch of HW so Ima be here for a bit.
I'm so frustrated. I have a surplus of emotion and it won't succumb to catharsis. I'm very used to having times when I have all sorts of energy and emotion, but I'm almost always able to purge it in some way through writing, or music, or walking/meditating and just delving into my thoughts. Usually I capture any sort of energy I don't want to express, take note of it, put it aside, and it becomes an undefined mass that permeates my aura until I decide the best way to dispose of it when I begin to feel overwhelmed or overburdened with its upkeep. It's a very good system really. It sounds rather cold and calculated, but I am too a lot of times. This is different. It refuses to be unnamed, refuses to succumb, and refuses to be released in any but its own way. Imagine you are painting, and you were given yellow and blue and a number of other colours by a number of people. Unfortunately you don't want most of these colours so you try and combine to create green, or purple, or any colour that would suit the canvas better; only to have them pool in eachother like oil in water. I'm mixing furiously but they stay themselves and only make a very confused picture plagued with rebellious colours bursting out amid the average hues that behave as they should. A painting that I could never show anyone. Worse, they won't dry so I can't even put it away for awhile 'till the pigments fade a little. It's not evident yet, but one day I'll become frustrated with the neverending battle as the layers of paint accumulate. I'll throw the canisters at the wall and tell the people who gave me those vibrant, unsubmitting feelings just how much trouble they've been causing. Maybe one day I'll write a small essay here about how my mind works, it would read like an article in Discover, and be about as comprehensable as Quantum Mechanics. One might understand the what and when, be skeptical on the Why, and give up trying to envision the how. Well now I just sound egotistical. "I'm so complicated none of you plebians could possibly understand how I tick!" ugh. Excuse me. I've reached a slow, rolling boil.
